life is so life...

Life is so life...and it is so wonderful. I have been a brat. A real brat and a snob and I am feeling so convicted tonight. Convicted for my immense ingratitude for the immeasurable blessings I enjoy. Convicted for the feelings I've had since my daughter was born (it has truly been a challenge but oh, what a blessing!!!) I lay in bed tonight next to my precious daughter as tears seeped from my eyes. Some people will never have the experience of bearing a child or raising a family in their whole lifetime . How could I forget how close I came to being one of those unfortunate people? Unfortunate, because I believe that having a family is the most important thing anyone could ever do in this life. And I once feared it might never happen for me...

And somehow it did. Somehow God's beautiful Plan for me did include a family. A wonderful, loving husband and a perfect, oh-so-perfect daughter who fills me with joy every day. I cannot get over how blessed I am. And yet I've had the nerve to feel sorry for myself. Sorry that breastfeeding did not go as planned. Sorry that my daughter needs to be held so much that my wrists ache and I struggle to accomplish anything else and sorry it can take so much work sometimes to get her to sleep. Work that will last a few mere months in the grand scheme of things? And then she will grow up and sleep on her own and I will shed tears for the loss of those tender moments when she sank into sleep in my arms...or on my shoulder...or "on tap" as she often is (her favorite place to be is nursing - which is thankfully not so painful for me now...)

Yes, motherhood is work. But it is heavenly work. It is a noble task that God asks so much of us, but He gives us back so much more - a beautiful daughter who steals my heart every day of the week...a husband who works his whole life away so that I can be home with our precious baby...the privilege of living my girlhood dream. Didn't we all grow up playing house and longing for the doll in our arms to take a breath or cry a real cry? I did. I yearned for it so hard I would ache inside and I wanted nothing more than to have a family of my own. How could I take all I have ever wanted for granted? 


It didn't come easily for me either. I cried through most of my twenties, longing for a husband of my own. I would seethe inside every time a woman put down her husband or took her marriage for granted. I would feel angry at each mother who would (unnecessarily) leave her children in the full-time care of others and cringe at parents who would yell at their children and belittle them in public. Each offense would strengthen my resolve to be better when I had the opportunity. To be the kind of wife and mother I rarely saw in those around me. Yes I judged these people and yes I set lofty goals for myself, but how far I have fallen from my ideal. I have snapped at my husband in front of others and become frustrated with Hannah. I am not the perfect wife/mother/homemaker I aimed to be. It takes time and I am learning that this is a process. I can become that wife/mother/homemaker....just not all at once.

Sometimes life is just hard. Sometimes it really is. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I think I am learning to accept the fact that even imperfection can be truly beautiful. If we let it. I'm learning that it does no good to be a complainer. I'm learning that we have to learn to be patient and not want everything at all at once (thank you, Dr. Obvious...). I'm learning that when we have things really good, it may not be the time to ask for more. Just enjoy the things (and people) we have. Wanting another baby when mine is not even six months old yet is an innocent wish and I am hoping for one soon, but how about focusing on the one I have now and being grateful I even have a baby? Remember how I worried that wasn't going to happen? Oh how selfish and greedy I can be. And yes, children are a better thing to be greedy for than say, material possessions, but greed is still greed. I am SO lucky to have my dreams come true.

I'm Back!!!

When I had my baby girl last fall, a kind friend recommended that I switch to using nicknames on our blog (or make it private) for safety's sake. While I know that she meant well and I gave it an honest effort, I found that instead, I completely lost my interest in blogging and became somewhat paranoid. I feel that having a blog is good therapy for me as I commence my climb on the rocky terrain of new parenthood. I have also found that it is a good excuse to for me to write and flex my sometimes dormant brain muscles in an intellectual and creative way. I hope it will help to keep my mind sharp in the hazy sleepless days of motherhood and will prevent the embarrassing occurrence of "mommy brain." At least a severe case. We'll see. For now, I am back again in the blogosphere and hope you will come along occasionally and say hi. To the Shadesters. Because that's who we are.


Love ya!


Mary