Yesterday, I had the opportunity to read an excerpt from Stephanie Nielson's upcoming book, "Heaven is Here." Reading about and contemplating her life, I realized how blessed I am to be a wife and mother and to have the life I am so fortunate to be living. I can honestly say that I have waited my whole life to be a mother. It really is a dream come true for me, my greatest dream come true after marrying my sweetheart. Marriage and family are all I really ever wanted. Though they happened later in my twenties than I had always imagined (I really thought I'd marry at 19 or 20 and have a whole passel of kids by now). I thought at least by 25 or 26 that I would be. Well, I did get married at 26 and finally have my baby two years beyond that (I half expected a "honeymoon baby") and I am so grateful to be here.
Yesterday was a hard day and I cried a lot. I just couldn't seem to get the hang of things and I was feeling like a terrible mother (it truly is a challenge to calm a fussy baby when there doesn't seem to be anything else left to do). I kept listening to the negative thoughts in my head that were telling me I could never do this, that I was never cut out to be a mother. Well, sleep deprivation has a way of weakening our reasoning because I know that this is ALL I was cut out to do. I got my degree from BYU quite by accident. I was never out for a career or even a degree. I just wanted an education while I waited for my Mr. Charming to come along and marry me so I'd have interesting things to teach my children. I had no idea I'd ever finish it. Wow. Let alone celebrate my second anniversary before having my first child. I never thought that was possible. The Lord definitely has a plan for each of us and it is according to His time table, not ours. And now, here she is, my very own sweet baby that I have waited for all my life. She was purely worth the wait.
I remember holding my baby dolls as a six or seven year old girl and squeezing them so tightly. I would feel my heart almost burst with love for these babies that were so real to me and I was so excited to someday grow up and be a mommy. All of those years of waiting have helped to prepare me for the challenges of real motherhood. As a single young woman watching other mothers raise their children, I was constantly making mental notes, sometimes even writing things down that I wanted to do with my future family. I figured that since I didn't get started as young as I had hoped that at least I could get a lot of it figured out from watching others as I waited. I learned a lot that way, but there is nothing like the trial-by-fire of doing it yourself. I think this has hit me the hardest. I naively thought before I had my baby that I pretty much had this mothering thing figured out. I mean, how hard could it be? Sure, I knew there would be bad days, no sleep and trying times when I wouldn't have all of the answers, but basically, I thought I had it in the bag. I guess I was right to an extent, changing diapers = easy. That's about it. I guess bathing her is a simple task as well, though still harder than I thought it would be from watching others. Holding a wet, squirming infant above a sink or tub is much more of a challenge than I assumed it would be.
But the real challenges have been in my mind. I have had more opposition for this job than anything else I have done in my life. Obviously that is a testimony to the importance of being my baby's mom. She is my own daughter and it is my privilege to raise her. She is in my very own stewardship and that is an overwhelming thought sometimes. I have to answer to everything I do for her. She is waking up now and needing her mommy, so I'll end my soliloquy of motherhood. I just wanted to say that with all of its challenges and difficulties, Heaven is here at my home.
