Heaven Is Here

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to read an excerpt from Stephanie Nielson's upcoming book, "Heaven is Here." Reading about and contemplating her life, I realized how blessed I am to be a wife and mother and to have the life I am so fortunate to be living. I can honestly say that I have waited my whole life to be a mother. It really is a dream come true for me, my greatest dream come true after marrying my sweetheart. Marriage and family are all I really ever wanted. Though they happened later in my twenties than I had always imagined (I really thought I'd marry at 19 or 20 and have a whole passel of kids by now). I thought at least by 25 or 26 that I would be. Well, I did get married at 26 and finally have my baby two years beyond that (I half expected a "honeymoon baby") and I am so grateful to be here.

Yesterday was a hard day and I cried a lot. I just couldn't seem to get the hang of things and I was feeling like a terrible mother (it truly is a challenge to calm a fussy baby when there doesn't seem to be anything else left to do). I kept listening to the negative thoughts in my head that were telling me I could never do this, that I was never cut out to be a mother. Well, sleep deprivation has a way of weakening our reasoning because I know that this is ALL I was cut out to do. I got my degree from BYU quite by accident. I was never out for a career or even a degree. I just wanted an education while I waited for my Mr. Charming to come along and marry me so I'd have interesting things to teach my children. I had no idea I'd ever finish it. Wow. Let alone celebrate my second anniversary before having my first child. I never thought that was possible. The Lord definitely has a plan for each of us and it is according to His time table, not ours. And now, here she is, my very own sweet baby that I have waited for all my life. She was purely worth the wait.

I remember holding my baby dolls as a six or seven year old girl and squeezing them so tightly. I would feel my heart almost burst with love for these babies that were so real to me and I was so excited to someday grow up and be a mommy. All of those years of waiting have helped to prepare me for the challenges of real motherhood. As a single young woman watching other mothers raise their children, I was constantly making mental notes, sometimes even writing things down that I wanted to do with my future family. I figured that since I didn't get started as young as I had hoped that at least I could get a lot of it figured out from watching others as I waited. I learned a lot that way, but there is nothing like the trial-by-fire of doing it yourself. I think this has hit me the hardest. I naively thought before I had my baby that I pretty much had this mothering thing figured out. I mean, how hard could it be? Sure, I knew there would be bad days, no sleep and trying times when I wouldn't have all of the answers, but basically, I thought I had it in the bag. I guess I was right to an extent, changing diapers = easy. That's about it. I guess bathing her is a simple task as well, though still harder than I thought it would be from watching others. Holding a wet, squirming infant above a sink or tub is much more of a challenge than I assumed it would be.

But the real challenges have been in my mind. I have had more opposition for this job than anything else I have done in my life. Obviously that is a testimony to the importance of being my baby's mom. She is my own daughter and it is my privilege to raise her. She is in my very own stewardship and that is an overwhelming thought sometimes. I have to answer to everything I do for her. She is waking up now and needing her mommy, so I'll end my soliloquy of motherhood. I just wanted to say that with all of its challenges and difficulties, Heaven is here at my home.

A Beautiful Birth Story

On October 27th, I went in for a routine check-up (at 37 weeks) and was shocked to hear that the baby hadn't shown any growth in the past week. I had been measuring small the past few appointments and we had been watching everything to be safe, but the doctors had just assumed it was due to my height and small frame and that the baby was probably fine. However, this week, I had gained a pound, but she hadn't gained anything. I was told that if she had even gained an ounce that there wouldn't be as much cause for concern but she was not even showing any signs of growth. They ordered an ultra sound to check fluid levels, placental health and the actual size of the baby. I was very concerned and hoped it would all come out well.

The ultrasound technician seemed very calm about everything. She told us (my mom was with me) that the placenta looked very healthy though she was definitely measuring small. I wondered what they would do next and began really hoping that she could just be born soon. I didn't feel secure with the pregnancy anymore and wanted to hold her and know she was alright.

We met with the nurse practitioner again to discuss the ultrasound. Even though the technician hadn't seemed too worried, the nurse was very concerned. She said that she had met with the obstetrician and they both felt the baby would be "safer on the outside" and that they would like to induce me. She said that the risks of having her born early were not as serious as the possible risk of have a stillborn baby at my due date. That really scared me and I wanted to get this going immediately. I figured they would want to induce me sometime over the weekend but she said that they would call the hospital and have me come in that night. She checked to see if I had progressed at all and said that because I was only slightly dilated and 50% effaced that we would have to do doses of cytodek throughout the night before we could start the pitocin. I couldn't believe it. Our baby was actually coming in just a few hours!

I went back to my mom's house and called Paul. He had a midterm that night so I told him to go take that and then meet me at the hospital. I knew it would take several hours to get things going so there was no harm in him being at school but it felt weird not to have him there right away. We hung out at my mom's for a while and then went back to our apartment to grab some things for the hospital. I was nearly panicked. I hadn't even packed a hospital bag and we didn't have the nursery ready. In fact, the carpet was currently torn up and we were waiting to install the new carpet. I just put it all out of my mind, knowing it would all work out in the end and that the important thing was, she was coming! She would be sleeping in our room for the first while anyway, so who needed a nursery?

While we were at the apartment, the hospital called and told me to come in. I was so excited and a little nervous. We drove over to the hospital and I wanted to hurry even though I wasn't in labor or anything. It felt so surreal going to the hospital with my mom while Paul was still at school, not even having contractions, but knowing I was about to have my baby. It was so exciting!


We got to the hospital and checked in and they started me on an IV and the antibiotic (for being Strep B positive, dang it). Then they started the cytodek and checked me occasionally to watch my progress. I was having some small contractions from the cytodek. Nothing big yet and I couldn't even feel them. Paul finally got to the hospital and my mom left, requesting that we call immediately when things got close so she could bring my family. I was so ready.

Sometime that night, they started the pitocin. I don't remember the order of everything, but before the contractions were big enough to cause any discomfort, my nurse came in and said that because the baby's heart rate was struggling with the contractions that they would like to start an epidural right away in case of an eventual c-section. I told her that would be fine since I was planning to have one anyway at that point (I had wanted to try all natural at least for a while, but after being induced with all the medication I didn't think that was a great idea after all). The epidural was awesome and turned out to be a huge blessing, because around 10:30 the next morning, I suddenly went from a 5 to a 10 and was ready to start pushing. That would have been a nightmare unmedicated. Paul didn't even have time to let my mom know before I got to a ten, it went that fast. In fact, he sent her a text when I was at a five saying that we would let her know when I got to a seven, but when the nurse checked me again, I was complete. She got the OB (Dr. Dayton, my favorite obstetrician, ever!) and we got ready to deliver her. I had always wondered how someone could push out a baby with an epidural because you couldn't feel anything and at first I really struggled but then within about ten minutes and lots of good coaching, out she came! I was shocked that it went so fast and apparently the nurse and doctor were too. They told me I did a really good job and I got to hold Hannah while the doctor cut the cord. I just couldn't believe my baby was really here! She was absolutely beautiful with her thick dark brown hair and perfect tiny little features.

She cried right off and I held her close, cooing to her little ear, so happy to be comforting my very own baby. I love my little baby so much and cannot even express how grateful I am to have her here safely!!!