Ben

Today was one of those Mondays. I couldn't seem to figure out why it was s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g along, but we both just kind of existed today. Nothing super productive got done (except keeping my most important priority alive and *mostly* happy....it was a hard day). Hannah was fussy for no apparent reason and needed to be held (she always does, but even more than always) and Paul is out of town. Maybe the two are related. She sure adores her daddy and lit up when she heard his voice on the phone. She's such a doll. Anyway, we just kind of rode the waves today. Neither of us got out of our pajamas. All day. So when she really wanted to go outside this evening, I hardly even thought about us trekking off in our pj's. OK, so mine probably just looked like workout clothes, but still not what I usually wear outside my home.

Anyway, Hannah LOVES her some swing-time, so as we let the sun settle behind West Mountain, I pushed my girl to and fro and made small talk with a cute family until they left. It was cute that when we were talking about our kids' names, we realized that their daugher's name (Grace) was on our list and Hannah was on theirs. They both mean the same thing, you know. Beautiful names.

Anyway, shortly after the cute family left, we were joined by a lone boy, Ben, who opened up and told me much about his life. He is eight years old, and basically lives "in lots of places." His parents are split up, and while he lives with his mother in Pennsylvania most of the year, he spends his summer and holidays with his dad. He talked about how "kids without parents" eat free on airplanes and how he flies out with his brother. We talked about school and how his mom used to be a doctor. We talked about everything and when I started to feel it was getting late, I asked who was with him. "Just me" he said, explaining that his dad had dropped him off and that he comes all the time. Eight years old and a "long walk" home alone. I kept him talking and learned about his patched up family of siblings and step-siblings, his mother's three marriages, places he had lived, his friends, etc. and how his mom is remarried but his dad "probably never will." Call me nosy, but I wanted to know more about his dad. "Does your dad date?" I asked carefully. "Well, he would rather date a man than a girl," he told me, laughing nervously. "My dad is basically gay." My heart sank and I looked at this beautiful child (sorry, this handsome kid who is tough and plays tackle football....) and I felt for him and all of the hurt and confusion he has dealt with at this young age. I can only imagine the kind of marriage his parents had before they split knowing how much friction different sexual orientations would cause in a relationship. He mentioned that his step dad can be "pretty mean" and that his real dad is nice most of the time, though the look on his face said so much. I wished I could take this boy home with me and give him a stable, secure home with a family that wasn't going anywhere. How is he going to find stability in this life when all around him is complete chaos? We said our goodbyes and he stayed on the playground. I could tell he wasn't anxious to go back to his dad's. As we slowly walked back home, I kept thinking of little Ben and how much I wanted to help him. I tried to think of something I could do, but the only answer I could come up with was to pray. So I pray for Ben and will continue to as often as I can. And we will hopefully run into him again while he is here because I think he liked us. And I know we like him.

The Price of Humility

I had an epiphany today while sweeping my kitchen floor (yes, sometimes they do bubble up during the most mundane tasks...) I was thinking about some recent events that turned out differently than we had anticipated (and I'll admit, sort of expected) and I got to thinking. Were we overly confident to the point that it had a reverse effect? Were we not only wanting but also expecting the outcome so much that we needed to be humbled by having it not turn out? It isn't a bad thing to have confidence in something good. Without confidence, we would probably do very little well. And I don't mean boasting-with-pride confidence. But can't it easily cross over into that? I know that if I'm not careful, it does for me. So, I got to thinking about humility and being humble and all of that, and that is when the light bulb turned on. Blink. And my realization:

It costs more to be proud than to be humble.

It may seem that the greater cost is in being humble: forgoing desires, exercising patience, enduring pain, suffering, misery, etc., but it really does work the other way around. We all know that God wants us to be humble. That is a no-brainer. We also know that he would rather us humble ourselves if possible, but if not, He is happy to do it for us. Now, it might sound a little harsh to say that God will gladly humble us, but truly, it is for our own good. When we are humble, we learn better. We love better. We are more forgiving of ourselves and others and we sin much, much less. Humility is the best state to be in at all times and in any situation. So when things don't go the way we hoped, even if the outcome we wanted seemed to be in our best interest, could it be that we lost out simply to learn humility? And if a wise and loving Heavenly Father saw that that was in our best interest, can we not learn to see it too?

Life: It's about Family

The following came to me while I was thinking today:

The Stork called today…he has a beautiful baby for you that looks just like you and your handsome husband. When shall I have him delivered? What's that? You're too busy doing your Master's program? Uh-huh...No time for a baby…Well, let me see, there's the Perez family down the street. They're begging for a baby, but their faith is being tested with a fertility trial. They don't know it now, but they'll have a baby of their own in three years. But this baby can't wait that long... It's his turn now.

Let me see what else I can do….You know, I've always liked those Johnson's around the corner, but they have their hearts set on buying that new house. It's sad to see them stop at only two. They make such cute children. But, it is their choice. I'm having trouble thinking of anyone who could take this baby right now and time is running out.

Well, I don't like it, but there's that other family across the street. They have drug and alcohol addictions and will abuse this baby until he's taken away by the State, but they are the closest option I have. I guess I will call the Stork back and tell him I have found a family. I am so sorry Baby, but this is the best I can do.

President Brigham Young said:

There are multitudes of pure and holy

spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our

duty?--To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course

that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of

the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness

debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of

every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles

for all the spirits they can (Discourses of Brigham

Young, p. 197).

It is our duty to prepare bodies "...for all the spirits [we] can…"  That is one huge responsibility. And one that is not to be taken lightly. According to Brigham Young (as well as President Spencer W. Kimball who was quoting him), the number of children we have should be based on our ability, not our convenience or desires, plans or dreams. "But I've always wanted four children" doesn't cut it. What if we could have just one more? Where does that last child go? If not into our home, does that innocent baby really go to a wicked home? God's prophets don't blow smoke. Neither do they say things just because. I really believe that President Brigham Young knew how this whole family thing worked when he said this. And you better believe I will have all the children I can because I want to have my "quiver full of them" (Psalms 127:5)

What does that scripture really mean? If a quiver holds arrows, what are children to weapons? Is having a family some sort of protection against spiritual harm and danger? I believe it is. Protection against selfishness, pride and sin because having a family forces us to SACRIFICE every day of our lives. And to learn how to LOVE more than just ourselves. Yes, I believe that children are like arrows and I want my quiver packed full of 'em. To protect me from complacency and idleness. To keep me alive and childlike. To teach me the wonder of everyday things. And to remind me every day about my Maker. Because He makes children and all things good. But mostly because the more children I can have, the more I can save from a miserable life where they are taught so much about life that is false. Because I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this world, and more than degrees or careers or Academy Awards, this is how I can make the most difference for humanity. By opening my heart and my home to the innocent sweet little children who need it. Because I am here for them. 

I know that I would never feel comfortable "stopping" my family before God decides I'm done because I could never live with myself that way. My precious jewels are my family members and who wants to limit the number of "jewels" they own in their collection? I want all I can have because to me, this is living life with "no regrets." 

Happy is the man[and woman] that hath his [and her] quiver full of [children]:

 they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.